Today we will debunk New York Magazine‘s piece about the alleged inability of modern married men to keep the faith. As old-fashioned optimists, we cannot let this outrageous claim go uncriticized.

I guess we should expect this sort of cynicism and perversion from a periodical titled New York Magazine. Obviously, we would not see such nonsense in a good southern source like Savannah Magazine or a fine midwestern rag like Des Moines Weelky. If only the dirty, urban centers weren’t so successful in housing reading material that gets high circulation.

Leave it to the atheistic, amoral elitists in New York to crap all over one of our finest institutions: life-long, monogamous marriage.

Philip Weis’s basic claim is that his generation invented sexual liberation. To him and his deciples (who are no doubt in the minority), this was a good, natural thing—humans had been repressed for centuries and had finally shed the shackles of sexual guilt. Weiss argutes that it would therefore be hypocritical and unnatural for men of his generation to completely change in their old age and suddenly consent to monogamy.

Despite the fact that 99.9% of our descendants faithfully adhered to monogamy for the past 2,008 years (I need to find statistics that support my claim, but I know they exist), Weiss claims that such behavior is no longer possible and it shouldn’t be expected. Essentially, Weis claims that all modern men are doing or want to do what Eliot Spitzer does, and that this is fine.

If this were true, it would not be fine. But it is not true. Weis is a fucking (literally) liar.

What does Weis use as evidence to support his sick, twisted theory? The answer: his own experience! Both in his article and Monday night on The Colbert Report, Weis admits that he researched this topic and wrote this piece because he himself has always felt sexually conflicted as a married man.

Has he considered that maybe he is one of the few that is sick and depraved? That most men are not like him?

Well, if the mere opinion of one perverted married man is enough to publish such a filthy, terrible idea for all society to see, than I wish to publicly rebut his claims. As a happily monogamous, married man of Weis’s generation, I have this to say:

I do not have and do not want to have sex with any woman except my wife.

I do not have and do not want to have sex with prostitutes the way Eliot Spitzer does.

Monogamy is easy for me. It is natural to me.

I do not have lust in my heart like that filthy sinner Jimmy Carter.

I don’t ever fantasize about meeting a cute, naïve, conservatively dressed college freshman waiting at the airport for her flight home for Christmas to see her family in Dubuque, striking up a conversation with her, illegally buying her a drink, adoring her smile and her eyes and seeing that she loves my adoration and finding that she wants me to look at her legs and her well-concealed chest, realizing that she finds my maturity and sophistication irresistible and she is in fact turned on by my wedding band and wants me to make us both miss our flights and call our respective destinations and tell them our flights have been cancelled and we’ll each get on planes tomorrow and instead slip away to a sleazy airport hotel for the night and fuck each other’s brains out…

I do nothing of the sort.

So, have a good day. And keep smiling. Most of married American men are monogamous. The institution of marriage lives strong. Ladies, you can count on it. Keep up the faith, fellas. Everything is fine.

So, hey, Philip Weis…fuck you!